I've just had an unhappy love affair, so I don't see why anybody else should have a good time. May your roads lead to warm sands. Do. Or do not. There is no try. Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It’s this inconsiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like I’m living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I’m talking about Hawaii, and after! There are a lot of little reasons why the big things in our lives happen. I'd be a lot happier and a lot warmer with a belly full of mead. Okay. Time circuit's on. Flux capacitor, fluxing. Engine running. All right. The appropriate question is, 'when the hell are they?' You see, Einstein has just become the world's first time traveler! I sent him into the future. One minute into the future to be exact. And at precisely 1:21 a.m. and zero seconds, we shall catch up with him and the time machine. Whenever I’m sad, I stop being sa...

Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.

Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have.

• Yeah, well, history is gonna change.